The Big Day!

The big day is tomorrow. I thought I would be more nervous than this. Actually the closer it gets the less nervous I become. I feel that I’m ready to have this portion of the treatment completed so that I can look ahead to recovery. I’ve been setting around waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I’m ready for it to be over. After this (the big one) I know there will be lots and lots of healing in the next several weeks and months and two more surgeries for reconstruction, but they are not as emotionally trying as getting this cancer out of me. If I can do this then everything else seems, from where I’m at, to be a piece of cake. Wish me luck!! Talk to you soon!! xo

Dear Cancer....

Dear Cancer,

I think there is a couple things you should know, so pull up a chair and we’ll chat a bit.

Much of society considers you to be a death sentence, a horrible plague, a reason for panic and fear, and a reason to give up on life. Point number one – I am not like much of society.

I’ve thought about what it means to have you inside my body. I’ve thought about battling you, declaring war upon you, and eradicating you. I quickly realized that war creates a battlefield, something I’m not willing to declare my body. War creates hate, and struggle and a shutdown of communication. I’m not willing to create those things in my life because of you. Therefore, point number two – I love you. I choose love over hate, hope over fear , happiness over suffering. I am certain that you feel differently and that you want to engage me in this battle. I don’t accept your challenge. I choose to surround you with love and light, if this is something you cannot live with, then you can leave my body as I refuse to become your host and let you run me. You are in MY body, but I make the decisions, not you. Stay if you like or leave on your own, either way, I will not continue a lifestyle that promotes your growth. I will not hate you or declare war on you, but I will become a host of love and acceptance and peace and joy, if that is not hospitality you can accept, then you may leave. (Yes, I am fully aware that this is an environment that you cannot thrive or grow in. My body, my life, my power – I decided what’s good for me).

Thank you for the lessons you have taught me and the lessons I am still learning. Your presence has created growth and understanding in my life and caused me to refocus and re-prioritize my life and my purpose. You have given me greater cause to help others in empowering themselves in this circumstance and in other circumstances where they feel they are helpless and hopeless. I am stronger because of you. Thank you and goodbye!

Guilt Struggle

One of the constant struggles I seem to be having is questioning myself as to whether I have the right to feel bad about this. I tell myself, “you are having a mastectomy, you are being reconstructed, you most likely won’t have to have any additional treatment, what right do you have to feel bad about having cancer?”

I’m really not worried about being okay, but I feel a little apprehensive about feeling bad on any level. There is a very fine line between staying positive and upbeat and not dealing with normal feelings (however normal feelings are defined for this situation). I assume my feelings are normal, but still feel guilty for feeling them. So many other women find out so much later on about their cancer and have to go through months of chemo and torment.

I haven’t been able to define my feeling other than just a loss of normalcy, loss of control, loss of security. I know in twelve short days, my life will be further altered in a way that will always remind me of this. My choice is to let it be a reminder of growth, love and survival and not of something dark and fearful. Getting past the guilt that I feel bad about it on any level, is something I haven’t mastered… yet.

I Decide What I Think and Feel..

Belief in anything, good or bad, is the creation of a thought. Anything you think about will become a reality in your mind. I once believed that I had no control over my life. I believed that what you were handed in life was what you deserved. I believed that society had set the standards of how we were to respond to those circumstances, how we were to live our lives, and how we must accept our circumstances and suffer the consequences. My belief in my thoughts had no basis for reality other than what I was taught by others. However, what they normally don’t teach you is that one element that will change your entire life for the better. You have a voice inside of you. An internal guidance system that knows when things don’t sound quite right. When you tell yourself something bad, it speaks up for you and then you usually feel pain and conflict, then you move into justification of your thought, “but, she said that I have to react this way, just like everyone else does.” Once you have thoroughly justified yourself, then you are set to suffer in your circumstances and grateful to do so (because society says you should be).



You can see how we develop a warped sense of gratitude from that kind of life style. Many people express gratitude and really believe they are feeling gratitude. But do they really feel it? Do they get that surge of love in their chest when they feel grateful for the blessings in their life?



I now believe that I do have control over my life. I have control of what I choose to think and feel and believe. In the last couple of years I have been become a seeker of knowledge and truth and self awareness. This has made ALL the difference to me in my diagnosis. It’s never too late to begin, no matter what circumstance you are facing. Send out a prayer for guidance and you will be amazed at the information that you will receive and the timing of the delivery of the information you seek. Be open to new ideas and be open to the opportunities for growth and knowledge. It doesn’t always present itself in a way you imagined it would. Always be grateful for new knowledge whether you think it is applicable or not. You may find down the road it was more spot on than you now think. Most importantly, choose your thoughts wisely. Choose thoughts of love and hope instead of fear and despair. When you think fearful thoughts immediate find loving thoughts to replace them with. Look for the good points of every situation instead of all the bad points. Decide to choose “feel good” thoughts.



At any moment you can have things happen to you that would be considered by most to be a tragedy, but if you choose love and hope over fear and despair, these things we often fear the most can become the greatest opportunities for growth and discovery.

I am okay...I am me!

Sorry, it’s been a little while since I’ve sat down to write. Lots of things have happened. I’m having surgery, a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, on January 18th. It’s the best choice for me for sure. I’m at total peace with it. I choose to focus on what is right in my life. I am so grateful for all the wonderful and enlightened friends I have and especially my wonderful husband and family. However, I do have some family that feels like I am pretending to be okay with everything for their benefit. I really am okay with everything. I am moving forward, I do NOT feel bad for myself, or bitter, or paralyzed that this has happened to me. It all comes down to that one favorite quote of mine by Dr. Wayne Dyer, “With all that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” One thing I have learned in life is you ALWAYS have a choice. You don’t always have a choice in what happens, but you have a choice in how you react, think and feel about it. I’m not trying to minimize the situation and I know that everyone deals with it in their own way, but this is happening to me and I know how I feel. No, it hasn’t all been easy, but you find your way through it all and then you land in this place where you just know it is all okay. I suppose it depends on where you are on your journey in life as to how quickly you move through a situation or hang on to it and feel bad about it. I’ve learned to let go and not be attached to “things”. “If I am what I have then when I don’t have it, then I’m not.” NOT! That is SOOOOO far from the truth. I’m not a new house or car, or a degree or a job, or how much money I have in the bank, or my boobs…or even my body. I’m something else beyond this and whatever you take away from me, there is still this “me” inside that nobody can take away, unless I let them.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles....

Day 100 – not really it just seems that way. So there have been oncology visits and other tests and the stress and anxiety in coming up with a decision on what to do for treatment. When I met with the surgeron she said my case is early and is as good as it gets in her world. She said from the data they have so far, the cancer is non-invasive and it estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which means that it needs estrogen to grow and is using the estrogen in my body to so. However, a lumpectomy with radiation followed by five years of Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker) would be as effective as a total mastectomy (both treatments providing a 99% cure rate and the tamoxifen insures it doesn’t come back or new cancer doesn’t start). I still need to go have an MRI to make sure there is nothing else there they can’t see on the mammogram and I will be seeing a geneticist to be tested for the two breast cancer genes. If either of those become issues, then I’ll need to go with a mastectomy. Furthermore, it’s still my decision to make. If I don’t want to deal with radiation and Tamoxifen, then I can still choose a mastectomy. I will also be having a consult with Plastics to be more informed on the process of reconstruction incase I choose that route. It all comes down to how comfortable I am that it won’t come back.

I’ve really struggled the past week with knowing this needed to be treated and wondering what was best for me. The nurse navigator told me, when the time is right you will know. I was certain she had no idea what I was going through. I felt like saying “do you have any idea how emotionally traumatic this is. It’s like deciding between bad and worst”. Keeping positive I smiled and politely nodded. At the end of the appointment she gave me a tote bag full of books, brochures, as if I wasn’t already overwhelmed enough. She pulled one book out and said, “this is an excellent book, don’t feel obligated to look at anything else, but you should look at this one”….I looked down at the title staring back at me which read “The Breast Cancer Handbook”. Boom! Another reminder.

It’s harder than you think to stay positive when you have to deal with the reality of it all. I finally realized that I need to become accepting of the fact that I had breast cancer, so I could find a way to stay positive. So I prayed. I said, “God I can’t see how I created this in my life. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what I need to change or what direction I’m headed. I can’t do it alone, it’s too overwhelming. I’ll help you in creating a new life and new meaning to life, but I don’t know where to start. I feel alone”. At that very moment I heard a voice in my head say, “you’re not alone, we’re in it together, like it’s always been. ”

I opened the book and I read through many chapters. I read about women who had gone through the same thing and sometime happened to me. I felt more empowered to make a decision on my care. The next night the same thing, reading learning, accepting. I wasn’t getting out of this without making a decision, so I had to accept that and move forward. Because staying where I am was just torturing myself. When I thought and read about lumpectomy and radiation and anti estrogen pills and wondering if it would come back, I felt tense and anxious. When I thought and read about a mastectomy, I felt more at peace. Although I didn’t believe the nurse when she told me “you’ll know”, I then realized what she meant. I just hadn’t been trusting myself to make the right decision, or trusting God to put what I needed in front of me to make that decision.

Remembering the path

I seem to have these periods of ups and downs.  I haven’t been able to put my finger on it exactly.  I know that I will be fine, that I am fine now.  I’m not sure if it’s just the emotional trauma of the word Cancer, or if it’s something else I’m not identifying yet.  A friend unknowingly taught me a very important lesson this morning.  She said, “I believe you were on the path to wellness long before you even know of this journey.”  It was a shift in thinking I needed in that moment.  Marianne Williamson said “We can always choose to perceive things differently.  You can focus on what’s wrong in your life, or you can focus on what’s right”.  When you aren’t aligned with good things and wellness, you can’t see what that good is.  At times when I have my downs, I can see the good and move towards it.  It’s a deliberate decision to choose good over the bad.  I am grateful for many things at this moment.  I’m grateful that my husband for perceiving a shift was needed and reminded me that I was a couple months late on having my annual mammogram; I am grateful that Dr. Saber decided to play on the cautious side.  Even thought at the time he thought everything was probably fine, something in him made the shift towards good and he made the decision that based on my lack of mammo history, he really would like to biopsy those cells; I’m grateful for whoever that person was who cancelled their physical in November and allowed me to move mine in their place before I started a new job, otherwise I probably would have put it off until the spring when I had paid time off;  I’m grateful that it was caught in the extreme early stages and that I will live.  Some woman aren’t so lucky.  A hundred things could have gone wrong and created a different outcome.  But fortunately, being aligned with Wellness created the circumstances where a hundred things went right instead.   For that I am extremely thankful! <3