Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Big Day!
The big day is tomorrow. I thought I would be more nervous than this. Actually the closer it gets the less nervous I become. I feel that I’m ready to have this portion of the treatment completed so that I can look ahead to recovery. I’ve been setting around waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I’m ready for it to be over. After this (the big one) I know there will be lots and lots of healing in the next several weeks and months and two more surgeries for reconstruction, but they are not as emotionally trying as getting this cancer out of me. If I can do this then everything else seems, from where I’m at, to be a piece of cake.
Wish me luck!! Talk to you soon!! xo
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dear Cancer....
Dear Cancer,
I think there is a couple things you should know, so pull up a chair and we’ll chat a bit.
Much of society considers you to be a death sentence, a horrible plague, a reason for panic and fear, and a reason to give up on life. Point number one – I am not like much of society.
I’ve thought about what it means to have you inside my body. I’ve thought about battling you, declaring war upon you, and eradicating you. I quickly realized that war creates a battlefield, something I’m not willing to declare my body. War creates hate, and struggle and a shutdown of communication. I’m not willing to create those things in my life because of you. Therefore, point number two – I love you. I choose love over hate, hope over fear , happiness over suffering. I am certain that you feel differently and that you want to engage me in this battle. I don’t accept your challenge. I choose to surround you with love and light, if this is something you cannot live with, then you can leave my body as I refuse to become your host and let you run me. You are in MY body, but I make the decisions, not you. Stay if you like or leave on your own, either way, I will not continue a lifestyle that promotes your growth. I will not hate you or declare war on you, but I will become a host of love and acceptance and peace and joy, if that is not hospitality you can accept, then you may leave. (Yes, I am fully aware that this is an environment that you cannot thrive or grow in. My body, my life, my power – I decided what’s good for me).
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me and the lessons I am still learning. Your presence has created growth and understanding in my life and caused me to refocus and re-prioritize my life and my purpose. You have given me greater cause to help others in empowering themselves in this circumstance and in other circumstances where they feel they are helpless and hopeless. I am stronger because of you. Thank you and goodbye!
I think there is a couple things you should know, so pull up a chair and we’ll chat a bit.
Much of society considers you to be a death sentence, a horrible plague, a reason for panic and fear, and a reason to give up on life. Point number one – I am not like much of society.
I’ve thought about what it means to have you inside my body. I’ve thought about battling you, declaring war upon you, and eradicating you. I quickly realized that war creates a battlefield, something I’m not willing to declare my body. War creates hate, and struggle and a shutdown of communication. I’m not willing to create those things in my life because of you. Therefore, point number two – I love you. I choose love over hate, hope over fear , happiness over suffering. I am certain that you feel differently and that you want to engage me in this battle. I don’t accept your challenge. I choose to surround you with love and light, if this is something you cannot live with, then you can leave my body as I refuse to become your host and let you run me. You are in MY body, but I make the decisions, not you. Stay if you like or leave on your own, either way, I will not continue a lifestyle that promotes your growth. I will not hate you or declare war on you, but I will become a host of love and acceptance and peace and joy, if that is not hospitality you can accept, then you may leave. (Yes, I am fully aware that this is an environment that you cannot thrive or grow in. My body, my life, my power – I decided what’s good for me).
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me and the lessons I am still learning. Your presence has created growth and understanding in my life and caused me to refocus and re-prioritize my life and my purpose. You have given me greater cause to help others in empowering themselves in this circumstance and in other circumstances where they feel they are helpless and hopeless. I am stronger because of you. Thank you and goodbye!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Guilt Struggle
One of the constant struggles I seem to be having is questioning myself as to whether I have the right to feel bad about this. I tell myself, “you are having a mastectomy, you are being reconstructed, you most likely won’t have to have any additional treatment, what right do you have to feel bad about having cancer?”
I’m really not worried about being okay, but I feel a little apprehensive about feeling bad on any level. There is a very fine line between staying positive and upbeat and not dealing with normal feelings (however normal feelings are defined for this situation). I assume my feelings are normal, but still feel guilty for feeling them. So many other women find out so much later on about their cancer and have to go through months of chemo and torment.
I haven’t been able to define my feeling other than just a loss of normalcy, loss of control, loss of security. I know in twelve short days, my life will be further altered in a way that will always remind me of this. My choice is to let it be a reminder of growth, love and survival and not of something dark and fearful. Getting past the guilt that I feel bad about it on any level, is something I haven’t mastered… yet.
I’m really not worried about being okay, but I feel a little apprehensive about feeling bad on any level. There is a very fine line between staying positive and upbeat and not dealing with normal feelings (however normal feelings are defined for this situation). I assume my feelings are normal, but still feel guilty for feeling them. So many other women find out so much later on about their cancer and have to go through months of chemo and torment.
I haven’t been able to define my feeling other than just a loss of normalcy, loss of control, loss of security. I know in twelve short days, my life will be further altered in a way that will always remind me of this. My choice is to let it be a reminder of growth, love and survival and not of something dark and fearful. Getting past the guilt that I feel bad about it on any level, is something I haven’t mastered… yet.
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