One of the constant struggles I seem to be having is questioning myself as to whether I have the right to feel bad about this. I tell myself, “you are having a mastectomy, you are being reconstructed, you most likely won’t have to have any additional treatment, what right do you have to feel bad about having cancer?”
I’m really not worried about being okay, but I feel a little apprehensive about feeling bad on any level. There is a very fine line between staying positive and upbeat and not dealing with normal feelings (however normal feelings are defined for this situation). I assume my feelings are normal, but still feel guilty for feeling them. So many other women find out so much later on about their cancer and have to go through months of chemo and torment.
I haven’t been able to define my feeling other than just a loss of normalcy, loss of control, loss of security. I know in twelve short days, my life will be further altered in a way that will always remind me of this. My choice is to let it be a reminder of growth, love and survival and not of something dark and fearful. Getting past the guilt that I feel bad about it on any level, is something I haven’t mastered… yet.
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