I Really Have No Control

I often feel guilty when I encounter someone who has breast cancer at a later stage than me. Its a feeling of "what right do you have to call this a crisis in your life at stage 1 grade 3 when so and so is at Stage 3." It's not that I feel bad about having had cancer it's that I feel good about my out comes. It's that it could have been so much worst, but it wasn't, and it makes me feel grateful and happy while others are fighting not to die. We are doing similar treatments, but for different reasons, mine are preventative and theirs are necessity to kill the cancer they still have. I know I have no control over any of that. I do know that I need to find a way to help others and intend to do so however I can!! <3

I Refuse To Buy Into Negativity

A lot of time has passed since my last post. I’ve had a lot to deal with. It was interesting to find out that if I hadnt had a mastectomy, they wouldn't have known about the invasive cancer they found in addition to the DCIS. So I basically saved my own life with my decision. Its scary that it was hidden in the breast tissue and not detectible on the mammo or the MRI. I have one test I’m waiting for to see if I need chemo or not. I should know that in a week or so. I believe a positive attitude keeps a positive flow in your life. I think about how things are evolving in a postive direction everyday. It seems like every step of the way, whatever news I receive, it always ends up being the best possible scenerio. Some people see the bad news in everything. I feel that I’m getting good news everytime the doctor tells me something new. However, there are others in my family who see each obstacle as negative. I have to ignore them and go with what I feel is right for me. I refuse to buy into their negativity. Overall I feel that this disease has been a blessing in my life. It’s one of the greatest learning experiences I’ve ever had. I appreciate everything and everyone I see and I’ve learned to live my life now instead of waiting for someday when everything is perfect. There are so many more good things than bad to be grateful for. There have been ups and downs along the way, but I refuse to give into fear. I am on a journey of wellness, not disease. I have the power in my life to choose. I have have the power to love. I have the power to hope. I have power over this disease called cancer.

The Big Day!

The big day is tomorrow. I thought I would be more nervous than this. Actually the closer it gets the less nervous I become. I feel that I’m ready to have this portion of the treatment completed so that I can look ahead to recovery. I’ve been setting around waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I’m ready for it to be over. After this (the big one) I know there will be lots and lots of healing in the next several weeks and months and two more surgeries for reconstruction, but they are not as emotionally trying as getting this cancer out of me. If I can do this then everything else seems, from where I’m at, to be a piece of cake. Wish me luck!! Talk to you soon!! xo

Dear Cancer....

Dear Cancer,

I think there is a couple things you should know, so pull up a chair and we’ll chat a bit.

Much of society considers you to be a death sentence, a horrible plague, a reason for panic and fear, and a reason to give up on life. Point number one – I am not like much of society.

I’ve thought about what it means to have you inside my body. I’ve thought about battling you, declaring war upon you, and eradicating you. I quickly realized that war creates a battlefield, something I’m not willing to declare my body. War creates hate, and struggle and a shutdown of communication. I’m not willing to create those things in my life because of you. Therefore, point number two – I love you. I choose love over hate, hope over fear , happiness over suffering. I am certain that you feel differently and that you want to engage me in this battle. I don’t accept your challenge. I choose to surround you with love and light, if this is something you cannot live with, then you can leave my body as I refuse to become your host and let you run me. You are in MY body, but I make the decisions, not you. Stay if you like or leave on your own, either way, I will not continue a lifestyle that promotes your growth. I will not hate you or declare war on you, but I will become a host of love and acceptance and peace and joy, if that is not hospitality you can accept, then you may leave. (Yes, I am fully aware that this is an environment that you cannot thrive or grow in. My body, my life, my power – I decided what’s good for me).

Thank you for the lessons you have taught me and the lessons I am still learning. Your presence has created growth and understanding in my life and caused me to refocus and re-prioritize my life and my purpose. You have given me greater cause to help others in empowering themselves in this circumstance and in other circumstances where they feel they are helpless and hopeless. I am stronger because of you. Thank you and goodbye!

Guilt Struggle

One of the constant struggles I seem to be having is questioning myself as to whether I have the right to feel bad about this. I tell myself, “you are having a mastectomy, you are being reconstructed, you most likely won’t have to have any additional treatment, what right do you have to feel bad about having cancer?”

I’m really not worried about being okay, but I feel a little apprehensive about feeling bad on any level. There is a very fine line between staying positive and upbeat and not dealing with normal feelings (however normal feelings are defined for this situation). I assume my feelings are normal, but still feel guilty for feeling them. So many other women find out so much later on about their cancer and have to go through months of chemo and torment.

I haven’t been able to define my feeling other than just a loss of normalcy, loss of control, loss of security. I know in twelve short days, my life will be further altered in a way that will always remind me of this. My choice is to let it be a reminder of growth, love and survival and not of something dark and fearful. Getting past the guilt that I feel bad about it on any level, is something I haven’t mastered… yet.