I Decide What I Think and Feel..

Belief in anything, good or bad, is the creation of a thought. Anything you think about will become a reality in your mind. I once believed that I had no control over my life. I believed that what you were handed in life was what you deserved. I believed that society had set the standards of how we were to respond to those circumstances, how we were to live our lives, and how we must accept our circumstances and suffer the consequences. My belief in my thoughts had no basis for reality other than what I was taught by others. However, what they normally don’t teach you is that one element that will change your entire life for the better. You have a voice inside of you. An internal guidance system that knows when things don’t sound quite right. When you tell yourself something bad, it speaks up for you and then you usually feel pain and conflict, then you move into justification of your thought, “but, she said that I have to react this way, just like everyone else does.” Once you have thoroughly justified yourself, then you are set to suffer in your circumstances and grateful to do so (because society says you should be).



You can see how we develop a warped sense of gratitude from that kind of life style. Many people express gratitude and really believe they are feeling gratitude. But do they really feel it? Do they get that surge of love in their chest when they feel grateful for the blessings in their life?



I now believe that I do have control over my life. I have control of what I choose to think and feel and believe. In the last couple of years I have been become a seeker of knowledge and truth and self awareness. This has made ALL the difference to me in my diagnosis. It’s never too late to begin, no matter what circumstance you are facing. Send out a prayer for guidance and you will be amazed at the information that you will receive and the timing of the delivery of the information you seek. Be open to new ideas and be open to the opportunities for growth and knowledge. It doesn’t always present itself in a way you imagined it would. Always be grateful for new knowledge whether you think it is applicable or not. You may find down the road it was more spot on than you now think. Most importantly, choose your thoughts wisely. Choose thoughts of love and hope instead of fear and despair. When you think fearful thoughts immediate find loving thoughts to replace them with. Look for the good points of every situation instead of all the bad points. Decide to choose “feel good” thoughts.



At any moment you can have things happen to you that would be considered by most to be a tragedy, but if you choose love and hope over fear and despair, these things we often fear the most can become the greatest opportunities for growth and discovery.

I am okay...I am me!

Sorry, it’s been a little while since I’ve sat down to write. Lots of things have happened. I’m having surgery, a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, on January 18th. It’s the best choice for me for sure. I’m at total peace with it. I choose to focus on what is right in my life. I am so grateful for all the wonderful and enlightened friends I have and especially my wonderful husband and family. However, I do have some family that feels like I am pretending to be okay with everything for their benefit. I really am okay with everything. I am moving forward, I do NOT feel bad for myself, or bitter, or paralyzed that this has happened to me. It all comes down to that one favorite quote of mine by Dr. Wayne Dyer, “With all that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” One thing I have learned in life is you ALWAYS have a choice. You don’t always have a choice in what happens, but you have a choice in how you react, think and feel about it. I’m not trying to minimize the situation and I know that everyone deals with it in their own way, but this is happening to me and I know how I feel. No, it hasn’t all been easy, but you find your way through it all and then you land in this place where you just know it is all okay. I suppose it depends on where you are on your journey in life as to how quickly you move through a situation or hang on to it and feel bad about it. I’ve learned to let go and not be attached to “things”. “If I am what I have then when I don’t have it, then I’m not.” NOT! That is SOOOOO far from the truth. I’m not a new house or car, or a degree or a job, or how much money I have in the bank, or my boobs…or even my body. I’m something else beyond this and whatever you take away from me, there is still this “me” inside that nobody can take away, unless I let them.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles....

Day 100 – not really it just seems that way. So there have been oncology visits and other tests and the stress and anxiety in coming up with a decision on what to do for treatment. When I met with the surgeron she said my case is early and is as good as it gets in her world. She said from the data they have so far, the cancer is non-invasive and it estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which means that it needs estrogen to grow and is using the estrogen in my body to so. However, a lumpectomy with radiation followed by five years of Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker) would be as effective as a total mastectomy (both treatments providing a 99% cure rate and the tamoxifen insures it doesn’t come back or new cancer doesn’t start). I still need to go have an MRI to make sure there is nothing else there they can’t see on the mammogram and I will be seeing a geneticist to be tested for the two breast cancer genes. If either of those become issues, then I’ll need to go with a mastectomy. Furthermore, it’s still my decision to make. If I don’t want to deal with radiation and Tamoxifen, then I can still choose a mastectomy. I will also be having a consult with Plastics to be more informed on the process of reconstruction incase I choose that route. It all comes down to how comfortable I am that it won’t come back.

I’ve really struggled the past week with knowing this needed to be treated and wondering what was best for me. The nurse navigator told me, when the time is right you will know. I was certain she had no idea what I was going through. I felt like saying “do you have any idea how emotionally traumatic this is. It’s like deciding between bad and worst”. Keeping positive I smiled and politely nodded. At the end of the appointment she gave me a tote bag full of books, brochures, as if I wasn’t already overwhelmed enough. She pulled one book out and said, “this is an excellent book, don’t feel obligated to look at anything else, but you should look at this one”….I looked down at the title staring back at me which read “The Breast Cancer Handbook”. Boom! Another reminder.

It’s harder than you think to stay positive when you have to deal with the reality of it all. I finally realized that I need to become accepting of the fact that I had breast cancer, so I could find a way to stay positive. So I prayed. I said, “God I can’t see how I created this in my life. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what I need to change or what direction I’m headed. I can’t do it alone, it’s too overwhelming. I’ll help you in creating a new life and new meaning to life, but I don’t know where to start. I feel alone”. At that very moment I heard a voice in my head say, “you’re not alone, we’re in it together, like it’s always been. ”

I opened the book and I read through many chapters. I read about women who had gone through the same thing and sometime happened to me. I felt more empowered to make a decision on my care. The next night the same thing, reading learning, accepting. I wasn’t getting out of this without making a decision, so I had to accept that and move forward. Because staying where I am was just torturing myself. When I thought and read about lumpectomy and radiation and anti estrogen pills and wondering if it would come back, I felt tense and anxious. When I thought and read about a mastectomy, I felt more at peace. Although I didn’t believe the nurse when she told me “you’ll know”, I then realized what she meant. I just hadn’t been trusting myself to make the right decision, or trusting God to put what I needed in front of me to make that decision.

Remembering the path

I seem to have these periods of ups and downs.  I haven’t been able to put my finger on it exactly.  I know that I will be fine, that I am fine now.  I’m not sure if it’s just the emotional trauma of the word Cancer, or if it’s something else I’m not identifying yet.  A friend unknowingly taught me a very important lesson this morning.  She said, “I believe you were on the path to wellness long before you even know of this journey.”  It was a shift in thinking I needed in that moment.  Marianne Williamson said “We can always choose to perceive things differently.  You can focus on what’s wrong in your life, or you can focus on what’s right”.  When you aren’t aligned with good things and wellness, you can’t see what that good is.  At times when I have my downs, I can see the good and move towards it.  It’s a deliberate decision to choose good over the bad.  I am grateful for many things at this moment.  I’m grateful that my husband for perceiving a shift was needed and reminded me that I was a couple months late on having my annual mammogram; I am grateful that Dr. Saber decided to play on the cautious side.  Even thought at the time he thought everything was probably fine, something in him made the shift towards good and he made the decision that based on my lack of mammo history, he really would like to biopsy those cells; I’m grateful for whoever that person was who cancelled their physical in November and allowed me to move mine in their place before I started a new job, otherwise I probably would have put it off until the spring when I had paid time off;  I’m grateful that it was caught in the extreme early stages and that I will live.  Some woman aren’t so lucky.  A hundred things could have gone wrong and created a different outcome.  But fortunately, being aligned with Wellness created the circumstances where a hundred things went right instead.   For that I am extremely thankful! <3

Day One - Beyond Words

I've been sitting at my desk at work, starring at the contract in front of me. How many times do I have to read this indemnification? I can't focus...I try...I'm reading...I'm focusing...what did I just read again?....It wont be long now, I will be relieved to hear back from the doctor. Waiting....waiting....waiting....the phone rings, I'm startled and look at the caller ID. My heart jumps into my throat as I read "Dr. Carlson". I answer rather timidly, "Hello?". "Hi Wendy? It's Melissa, we got your test back and I'm sorry, honey, you do have ductal carcinoma in situ. The good news is, if you are going to get breast cancer, this is the best one and the most treatable one to have"...."ok" I reply. Is the room spinning? Am I even breathing? I can't talk if I'm not breathing, right? I feel burning in my solar plexus and working its way into my chest, my arms and legs begin shaking and I can feel my heart pounding in my ears. "Ok" is the only word I can manage to squeak out for now. I listen, something about appointments and oncologist, but the words are blurred and floating in the air surreal. I manage a reply of "ok, I wait to hear back from you". I disconnect and so it begins. Two weeks ago, I started a new job. It was a very happy and exciting time for me. I got my annual physical out of the way before I started so I wouldn't have to take time off from the new job. I had a mammogram. A couple days later I got a call back saying that they would like to take a few more pictures and that it wasn't unusual to have to do so. At that appointment, the Doctor advised me that there were some new calcifications on my mammogram, which were not there last year. He explained that calcifications are classified from 1 to 10 as 1 being benign and 10 be cancerous. He thought mine were on the lower half but given I'm young and have only had two mammograms, he didn't feel he had enough information to classify them conclusively, so instead of waiting to recheck them at a later date, he recommend a stereotactic biopsy. That decision by him may have just saved my life. He went on to say, even if the cells do come back malignant, it is very early and very treatable. It would make me a poster child for early detection. Suddenly, with one phone call, being a poster child for early detection wasn't a comforting thought anymore. "Am I able to stand up", I wonder. I stand. "Okay, now walk. Good, I can stand and walk." I walk to the conference room and call my husband with the news. Then talk to my boss and go home for the rest of the day. I drive home choking on dozens of emotions I've never felt before. Deep down I know I will be okay in the end, but it doesn't stop the flood of fear, rage, frustration, sadness and loneliness. As the day goes on my family is by my side, loving and supportive, so I put on a brave and smiling face. I'm so grateful for their love, yet I feel isolated from everyone. I know they will be with me through the entire ordeal, yet I'm isolated. It's my body, my battle, my cancer.....not theirs. I crawl into bed and make one decision. I will let my emotions flow, I will allow myself to feel all my feelings so I can let them go and find my way back to a place that feels good. Deal with them by allowing them to surface and then dump these negative emotions and find a path that feels good. There is a definite difference between allowing yourself to feel your feelings and move on, and embellishing on negative thought and riding that train. I decide that instead of sadness and despair and what ifs, I will choose hope and love and truth.