Day 100 – not really it just seems that way. So there have been oncology visits and other tests and the stress and anxiety in coming up with a decision on what to do for treatment. When I met with the surgeron she said my case is early and is as good as it gets in her world. She said from the data they have so far, the cancer is non-invasive and it estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which means that it needs estrogen to grow and is using the estrogen in my body to so. However, a lumpectomy with radiation followed by five years of Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker) would be as effective as a total mastectomy (both treatments providing a 99% cure rate and the tamoxifen insures it doesn’t come back or new cancer doesn’t start). I still need to go have an MRI to make sure there is nothing else there they can’t see on the mammogram and I will be seeing a geneticist to be tested for the two breast cancer genes. If either of those become issues, then I’ll need to go with a mastectomy. Furthermore, it’s still my decision to make. If I don’t want to deal with radiation and Tamoxifen, then I can still choose a mastectomy. I will also be having a consult with Plastics to be more informed on the process of reconstruction incase I choose that route. It all comes down to how comfortable I am that it won’t come back.
I’ve really struggled the past week with knowing this needed to be treated and wondering what was best for me. The nurse navigator told me, when the time is right you will know. I was certain she had no idea what I was going through. I felt like saying “do you have any idea how emotionally traumatic this is. It’s like deciding between bad and worst”. Keeping positive I smiled and politely nodded. At the end of the appointment she gave me a tote bag full of books, brochures, as if I wasn’t already overwhelmed enough. She pulled one book out and said, “this is an excellent book, don’t feel obligated to look at anything else, but you should look at this one”….I looked down at the title staring back at me which read “The Breast Cancer Handbook”. Boom! Another reminder.
It’s harder than you think to stay positive when you have to deal with the reality of it all. I finally realized that I need to become accepting of the fact that I had breast cancer, so I could find a way to stay positive. So I prayed. I said, “God I can’t see how I created this in my life. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what I need to change or what direction I’m headed. I can’t do it alone, it’s too overwhelming. I’ll help you in creating a new life and new meaning to life, but I don’t know where to start. I feel alone”. At that very moment I heard a voice in my head say, “you’re not alone, we’re in it together, like it’s always been. ”
I opened the book and I read through many chapters. I read about women who had gone through the same thing and sometime happened to me. I felt more empowered to make a decision on my care. The next night the same thing, reading learning, accepting. I wasn’t getting out of this without making a decision, so I had to accept that and move forward. Because staying where I am was just torturing myself. When I thought and read about lumpectomy and radiation and anti estrogen pills and wondering if it would come back, I felt tense and anxious. When I thought and read about a mastectomy, I felt more at peace. Although I didn’t believe the nurse when she told me “you’ll know”, I then realized what she meant. I just hadn’t been trusting myself to make the right decision, or trusting God to put what I needed in front of me to make that decision.
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