Day One - Beyond Words

I've been sitting at my desk at work, starring at the contract in front of me. How many times do I have to read this indemnification? I can't focus...I try...I'm reading...I'm focusing...what did I just read again?....It wont be long now, I will be relieved to hear back from the doctor. Waiting....waiting....waiting....the phone rings, I'm startled and look at the caller ID. My heart jumps into my throat as I read "Dr. Carlson". I answer rather timidly, "Hello?". "Hi Wendy? It's Melissa, we got your test back and I'm sorry, honey, you do have ductal carcinoma in situ. The good news is, if you are going to get breast cancer, this is the best one and the most treatable one to have"...."ok" I reply. Is the room spinning? Am I even breathing? I can't talk if I'm not breathing, right? I feel burning in my solar plexus and working its way into my chest, my arms and legs begin shaking and I can feel my heart pounding in my ears. "Ok" is the only word I can manage to squeak out for now. I listen, something about appointments and oncologist, but the words are blurred and floating in the air surreal. I manage a reply of "ok, I wait to hear back from you". I disconnect and so it begins. Two weeks ago, I started a new job. It was a very happy and exciting time for me. I got my annual physical out of the way before I started so I wouldn't have to take time off from the new job. I had a mammogram. A couple days later I got a call back saying that they would like to take a few more pictures and that it wasn't unusual to have to do so. At that appointment, the Doctor advised me that there were some new calcifications on my mammogram, which were not there last year. He explained that calcifications are classified from 1 to 10 as 1 being benign and 10 be cancerous. He thought mine were on the lower half but given I'm young and have only had two mammograms, he didn't feel he had enough information to classify them conclusively, so instead of waiting to recheck them at a later date, he recommend a stereotactic biopsy. That decision by him may have just saved my life. He went on to say, even if the cells do come back malignant, it is very early and very treatable. It would make me a poster child for early detection. Suddenly, with one phone call, being a poster child for early detection wasn't a comforting thought anymore. "Am I able to stand up", I wonder. I stand. "Okay, now walk. Good, I can stand and walk." I walk to the conference room and call my husband with the news. Then talk to my boss and go home for the rest of the day. I drive home choking on dozens of emotions I've never felt before. Deep down I know I will be okay in the end, but it doesn't stop the flood of fear, rage, frustration, sadness and loneliness. As the day goes on my family is by my side, loving and supportive, so I put on a brave and smiling face. I'm so grateful for their love, yet I feel isolated from everyone. I know they will be with me through the entire ordeal, yet I'm isolated. It's my body, my battle, my cancer.....not theirs. I crawl into bed and make one decision. I will let my emotions flow, I will allow myself to feel all my feelings so I can let them go and find my way back to a place that feels good. Deal with them by allowing them to surface and then dump these negative emotions and find a path that feels good. There is a definite difference between allowing yourself to feel your feelings and move on, and embellishing on negative thought and riding that train. I decide that instead of sadness and despair and what ifs, I will choose hope and love and truth.